The hardest question for me to answer was: “How many girlfriends you had.” I just hate that question, but I don’t hate the people who ask it. It’s because I didn’t count. Statistics were irrelevant. I was young, my head was up in the clouds. I thought that I was a experienced man. But, I was actually frightened and immature.
In the beginning, it was really great to go to bed with a different girl every night. It was really exciting. I felt like I was on top of the world and I was controlling all the strings. Sometimes, you just “forget” to call. “I’m not in town right now; I have to many responsibilities; my battery is dead”. Excuses, excuses – empty excuses.
You can’t remember their names; you don’t want to remember their faces. You have different contacts in your phone – the girl from Friday night, the blonde woman… immature and childish. But, I was thinking – you’ll be sorry for that.
She came in your life, just like any other girl. But, she left a permanent mark. When someone mentions her name, I start to shiver and try to change the subject. I’m afraid that they will hear my heart beating like crazy.
She gave her full attention, which I didn’t deserved. She gave me a love that I refused to accept. I was just like a little spoiled child that refuses the gift he always wanted. Yes, I was stubborn and I was thinking – why spending my time with just one women, when there are many others. Why settle with one?
Yes, there are many women around the world. Beautiful, funny, smart. But, none of them is like her. None of them is HER.
People say – every man has a woman he’ll never forget about. And in my case – it’s YOU! You always knew how to listen, while everyone else wanted to talk about themselves. You always tried to make me laugh when I was inconsolable moody. You where there for me, and I was in the clouds.
You got tired waiting. You got tired waiting for someone who refuses to grow up. Yes, you can’t wait for someone who can’t accept your feeling and for someone who’s selfish.
Now, all others have unspecified faces, eyes and hair color. And, when I think of you… I just close my eyes and you’re already here. Your beautiful face, the way you laugh and how you move your hair from side to side. Your amazing character, your patient heart, your generosity and caring for everyone else.
Now I know that I could’ve made you happy, but only if I wanted. Only if I tried. Only if I moved my head away from the clouds. Now I know.
Now I know that I miss you every day, every week and every month.
I’ve looked for you, but in vain. She told me that I’ve spent my “cards” and she was right.
I begged and begged, and you closed the door for me in the same way I did to you.
I’m still waiting for the day that I’ll forget about you. I’m waiting for the day when I’ll stop comparing them all with you and looking for you in the eyes of every other girl.
I’ve never shared this with anyone… I’m afraid… I think that everyone else will judge me.
Sometimes, I just want to fall asleep and i won’t to see your face in front of my eyes. And then, even in sleep, you come out of nowhere, and you are here… again…